• INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY

Why We’re Drawn to People Who Trigger Us: A Psychodynamic Relationship Guide

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• April 30, 2025

The Puzzle of Painful Attraction

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why do I keep falling for people who hurt me?”
You might find yourself in familiar relationship dynamics—emotionally unavailable partners, recurring criticism, or an exhausting push-pull cycle. It can feel confusing, frustrating, and even hopeless.

But from a psychodynamic therapy lens, there’s a deeper logic at work. These attractions aren’t random—they’re deeply rooted in our unconscious mind.

Why We’re Drawn to People Who Trigger Us

Psychodynamic theory teaches that our early relationships shape our inner world. The people we’re drawn to often reflect unresolved emotional experiences from our past, especially childhood. We’re not consciously seeking out pain; we’re unconsciously trying to resolve it.

Let’s unpack some key psychodynamic concepts that explain this powerful pull:

Transference: Repeating the Emotional Past

Transference is the unconscious redirection of feelings from one relationship to another. If someone reminds you of a parent, caregiver, or former partner—especially one tied to emotional pain—you may find yourself drawn to them, even if it’s unhealthy.

We’re often emotionally wired to recreate old dynamics, hoping this time, it will end differently.

Attachment Styles & Repetitive Bonding

Attachment theory explains how our early experiences with caregivers shape our approach to adult relationships.

• Anxious attachment often seeks closeness and fears abandonment.
• Avoidant attachment may value independence but fear intimacy.
• Disorganized attachment can involve a mix of fear and longing.

People with insecure attachment styles often find themselves in push-pull dynamics—e.g., anxious individuals chasing avoidant partners—because it mirrors early relationship patterns.

The Mirror Effect: What We Recognize in Others

We often seek out relationships that reflect how we feel about ourselves, even if those beliefs are negative.

If you learned early on that love is conditional, you might feel drawn to partners who reinforce that belief. This is not about self-punishment; it’s about emotional familiarity and a desire for healing.

Familiarity Over Safety

Our nervous system is drawn to what’s familiar, even if it’s harmful. If you grew up with criticism, inconsistency, or emotional neglect, your subconscious might associate those behaviors with love. This creates a dangerous loop: we chase what we know, not necessarily what’s healthy.

Triggers as Signals of Unhealed Wounds

Triggers are intense emotional reactions that feel bigger than the moment. They often stem from past trauma or unmet needs. When someone triggers you, your body and mind may be reactivating an old wound, telling you that something deeper needs attention.

The Cost of Staying in the Pattern

Attraction to emotionally triggering partners can create a cycle of dissatisfaction, emotional confusion, and deep loneliness. Over time, these patterns can undermine self-esteem, increase anxiety or depression, and make healthy intimacy feel impossible.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step—changing them requires support, curiosity, and emotional safety.

How Psychodynamic Therapy Can Help Break the Cycle

Psychodynamic therapy offers a safe space to explore your relationship history, attachment wounds, and emotional triggers. It’s about going deeper than symptom relief and discovering why certain patterns exist.

In therapy, you can:

• Identify unconscious relational patterns that drive attraction
• Understand the emotional roots of your triggers
• Reprocess early relational wounds in a safe, supportive environment
• Learn to distinguish a healthy connection from familiar pain
• Build new relational templates based on mutual respect and emotional safety

Creating Space for New Kinds of Love

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel drawn to old patterns again—but it does mean you’ll have the insight and tools to choose differently. As awareness grows, you’ll learn how to pause, reflect, and align your choices with your deeper needs, not just unconscious familiarity.

Ready to Build Healthier, Safer Relationships?

If you’re tired of being drawn to relationships that hurt or confuse you, it might be time to explore what’s happening beneath the surface. At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, we help individuals and couples understand the roots of their relationship patterns and heal the emotional wounds that keep them stuck.

Our therapists specialize in:

• Psychodynamic and relational therapy
• Attachment-focused work
• Trauma-informed care
• Building emotional awareness and resilience

Schedule a consultation today by filling out our quick form below and start creating space for the kind of love—and self-understanding—you truly deserve.