• INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY

The Unseen Burden: When Marital Conflict Turns a Child into a Scapegoat

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• November 4, 2025

Conflict is an inevitable part of any marriage, but how couples manage that conflict can dramatically impact their children. At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, we often work with families where one of the most painful, and often unconscious, defense mechanisms is at play: using a child as a scapegoat to deflect attention from unresolved marital issues.

This dynamic, while rooted in the parents’ struggle, places an immense and unfair burden on the child, deeply affecting their sense of self and their future relationships.

What is Scapegoating in a Family System?

The term “scapegoat” originates from a biblical ritual where a goat was symbolically burdened with the sins of the community and then cast out. In a family context, the scapegoat is a child who is unfairly blamed for the family’s problems or dysfunction.

When a marital relationship is strained—perhaps due to a lack of communication, differing values, unacknowledged resentment, or avoidance of difficult truths—the anxiety and tension need an outlet. It’s often easier for the couple to unconsciously externalize the problem than to look inward at their relationship.

The Child as the “Identified Patient”

The child becomes the “Identified Patient” (IP), the person the parents point to as the reason for the family’s stress. Instead of admitting, “We have serious, unresolved issues in our marriage,” the narrative shifts to, “The problem is our child’s behavior/attitude/school performance.”

This dynamic serves a few dysfunctional purposes for the parents:

• Deflection: It diverts attention and energy away from the core marital conflict. The couple, though fighting about the child, is at least united against a common “problem.”
• Projection: Parents project their own undesirable, unacknowledged traits, frustrations, and failures onto the child. The child acts as an emotional “container” for the parents’ toxic feelings.
• False Cohesion: By rallying around the “problem child,” the couple experiences a false, temporary sense of unity, thereby avoiding the painful truth of their fractured partnership.

The Profound Impact on the Child

For the child, being the scapegoat is a profoundly damaging experience that can have lasting consequences:

• Eroded Self-Esteem: The child internalizes the constant criticism and blame, believing they are fundamentally flawed, bad, or the cause of their parents’ unhappiness. Their inherent worth is constantly devalued.
• Anxiety & Depression: Living under a cloud of constant judgment and blame leads to heightened anxiety, chronic stress, and often depression.
• Behavioral Issues: Sometimes the child acts out to conform to the role they’ve been assigned. If they are constantly labeled “the troublemaker,” they may unconsciously fulfill that prophecy. Other times, the acting out is a cry for help or a desperate attempt to bring attention to the family’s real dysfunction.
• Relationship Challenges: As adults, former scapegoats may struggle with trust, healthy boundaries, people-pleasing tendencies, or, conversely, entering into relationships where they unconsciously recreate the abusive, blaming dynamic.

Seeking Help to Break the Cycle

The good news is that this deeply ingrained pattern can be broken through awareness and professional intervention.

For Parents:

1. Identify the Real Conflict: Move past the blame on the child and explore the core anxieties and unresolved issues in the marital relationship.
2. Learn Healthy Communication: Develop skills for expressing feelings, setting boundaries, and negotiating differences without resorting to emotional deflection.
3. Take Responsibility: Each parent must acknowledge their individual contribution to the marital discord and the family dynamic.

For the Scapegoated Child/Adult:

1. Dismantle the False Narrative: Recognize and reject the deeply internalized belief that they are “the problem.”
2. Heal the Trauma: Process the trauma of emotional abuse and neglect that resulted from the scapegoating role.
3. Build a Healthy Sense of Self: Establish a strong, accurate sense of self-worth that is independent of the family’s projections.

It’s Time to Break the Cycle

At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, we specialize in Family Systems Therapy and Couples Counseling to address these complex dynamics. We believe that by treating the relationship and creating a healthier environment, we can release the children from an unfair and crippling emotional burden.

If you recognize these patterns in your family and are ready to create a healthier, more honest dynamic for yourself and your children, please reach out to Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group for a confidential consultation.