• Grief & Loss

Understanding Incomplete Mourning from a Psychodynamic Lens

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• July 19, 2025

Grief is a universal human experience, a testament to the love and connection we forge in life. But what happens when grief gets stuck? When the natural process of mourning, intended to help us integrate loss and move forward, remain stubbornly incomplete?

At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, we often encounter individuals grappling with what we call incomplete mourning, a complex state that can profoundly impact well-being. From a psychodynamic perspective, understanding this phenomenon requires delving into the intricate workings of the unconscious mind and the profound impact of our early relationships.

What is Incomplete Mourning?

On the surface, incomplete mourning might manifest as a persistent sadness, an inability to fully re-engage with life, a sense of “stuckness,” or even physical symptoms without clear medical explanation. Unlike acute grief, which typically lessens in intensity over time, incomplete mourning feels like a perpetual echo of the loss, preventing true healing and integration.

The Psychodynamic Roots of Unfinished Grief

From a psychodynamic viewpoint, incomplete mourning isn’t simply a failure to “get over” a loss. Instead, it’s often rooted in deeper, unconscious processes and earlier experiences. Here are some key psychodynamic considerations:

• Unresolved Conflict and Ambivalence: Our relationships, even with those we deeply love, are rarely perfectly idyllic. They often contain elements of conflict, ambivalence, and unexpressed emotions. If these complex feelings were not adequately processed before the loss, or if guilt, anger, or resentment linger, they can impede the mourning process. The unconscious mind may struggle to let go of the deceased, not just out of love, but because these unresolved issues remain tied to their memory. It’s as if the mind is unconsciously saying, “I can’t fully mourn until I make sense of all that was between us.”
• Early Attachment Patterns: Our earliest experiences with attachment figures (parents or primary caregivers) profoundly shape how we relate to loss. If early attachments were insecure, marked by inconsistency, abandonment, or emotional unavailability, we may have developed coping mechanisms that hinder healthy mourning. For instance, someone with an avoidant attachment style might struggle to acknowledge the pain of loss, leading to a suppression of grief. Conversely, someone with an anxious attachment style might cling to the deceased, fearing complete separation.
• Identification with the Lost Object: In a psychodynamic sense, mourning involves “detaching” from the lost person while internalizing their positive qualities and memories. However, sometimes, an individual might unconsciously identify with aspects of the deceased, particularly if the relationship was highly enmeshed or if the loss creates a significant void in their own identity. This identification can make it incredibly difficult to separate from the lost person, as doing so feels like losing a part of oneself.
• Unprocessed Trauma: If the loss occurred under traumatic circumstances (e.g., sudden, violent, or unexpected death), the mind may struggle to process both the grief and the trauma simultaneously. The trauma can overwhelm the individual’s capacity to mourn, leading to a freezing of the emotional process. The unconscious may protect the individual by keeping the pain at bay, but this also prevents genuine integration.
• Secondary Gains of Grief: While seemingly counterintuitive, sometimes there can be unconscious “secondary gains” to holding onto grief. This isn’t to say someone wants to be sad, but the grief might serve a purpose. For example, it might be a way to feel connected to the deceased, to elicit care from others, or to avoid facing difficult life changes that would be necessary if the mourning process completed.

The Path Towards Healing

For those experiencing incomplete mourning, a psychodynamic approach to psychotherapy can be profoundly beneficial. Rather than simply focusing on “moving

on,” the work involves:

• Exploring Unconscious Dynamics: Through talking therapy, we can gently explore the unconscious conflicts, ambivalent feelings, and early attachment patterns that are impeding the mourning process. This often involves delving into the history of the relationship with the deceased and past experiences of loss.
• Processing Difficult Emotions: Creating a safe space to acknowledge and feel the full spectrum of emotions associated with the loss – including anger, guilt, resentment, and profound sadness – is crucial. This can be particularly challenging when these emotions have been suppressed for years.
• Releasing and Re-investing Psychic Energy: The goal is to help individuals gradually detach from the lost person in a way that allows them to re-invest their emotional energy into new relationships, activities, and a renewed sense of purpose. This doesn’t mean forgetting the deceased, but rather integrating the loss into one’s life narrative in a healthy way.
• Reconstructing Meaning: Psychodynamic therapy can help individuals find new meaning in their lives after a significant loss, not just in spite of the loss, but sometimes even because of the deeper understanding and growth that can emerge from profound experiences.

If you find yourself stuck in a prolonged state of grief, or if the pain of a past loss continues to overshadow your present, reaching out for professional support can be a transformative step. At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, we are here to help you navigate the complexities of incomplete mourning, offering a compassionate and insightful space to finally complete your unfinished elegy.