• Couples Therapy

How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Romantic Relationships

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• September 3, 2025

Ever wonder why you keep falling for the “wrong” person, or why certain relationship patterns seem to repeat themselves? The answer might lie in your attachment style. Developed in early childhood, your attachment style is a blueprint for how you connect with others, especially in romantic partnerships. Understanding yours can be a powerful step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory describes the emotional bonds between individuals. These styles are largely formed based on our earliest interactions with primary caregivers. There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment: This is considered the healthiest style. If you’re securely attached, you likely had caregivers who were consistently responsive to your needs. As an adult, you tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, trust easily, and communicate your needs effectively.
• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Often stemming from inconsistent caregiving, individuals with this style crave intimacy but worry about their partner’s love and commitment. They might be prone to jealousy, seek constant reassurance, and fear abandonment.
• Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: This style typically develops when caregivers were unresponsive or discouraging of emotional expression. Adults with dismissive-avoidant attachment often value independence highly, suppress emotions, and may struggle with intimacy, preferring self-sufficiency over deep connection.
• Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: This style often results from unpredictable or frightening caregiving experiences. Individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment desire intimacy but are also deeply afraid of it. They might exhibit contradictory behaviors—pushing people away while simultaneously longing for closeness.

How Attachment Styles Influence Your Relationship Choices

Your attachment style acts as an internal compass, guiding who you’re attracted to and how you behave in relationships.• Securely Attached Individuals tend to seek out partners who are also securely attached. They form stable, trusting relationships built on mutual respect and healthy communication.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Individuals might find themselves drawn to avoidant partners. The avoidant partner’s distance can inadvertently trigger the anxious person’s fear of abandonment, creating a push-pull dynamic. They might choose partners they feel they need to “earn” love from.
• Dismissive-Avoidant Individuals often choose partners who are more emotionally expressive or even anxious. This can reinforce their belief that others are “too needy,” allowing them to maintain emotional distance. They might be attracted to independence in others.
• Fearful-Avoidant Individuals can struggle to choose a consistent type of partner due to their internal conflict. They might find themselves in intense, tumultuous relationships, or cycle between periods of intense closeness and sudden withdrawal.

Breaking the Cycle & Building Healthier Relationships

The good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone! While deeply ingrained, you can develop a “earned secure attachment” by understanding your patterns and actively working to change them.

Here are some steps you can take:

1. Identify Your Style: Reflect on your past relationships and current patterns. How do you respond to intimacy? How do you handle conflict? What are your biggest fears in relationships?
2. Understand Your Partner’s Style: Learning about your partner’s attachment style can foster empathy and improve communication.
3. Practice Self-Awareness: Notice when your attachment patterns are being triggered. What thoughts and emotions arise?
4. Communicate Effectively: Learn to express your needs and feelings clearly and directly, rather than through passive-aggressive behaviors or withdrawal.
5. Seek Secure Relationships: Consciously choose partners who demonstrate secure attachment traits, or work with your current partner to build a more secure dynamic.
6. Consider Therapy: A therapist can help you explore the roots of your attachment style, process past experiences, and develop healthier coping mechanisms and relationship skills. This is where Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group can help.

Ready to Transform the Way You Relate?

Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step toward building healthier, more secure relationships. At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, our skilled therapists can help you explore your relational patterns, heal past wounds, and create the emotional security you’ve been longing for.