• INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY

The Therapeutic Cliff: Why Change Can’t Be Forced

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• July 20, 2026

It’s one of the oldest idioms in the book: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

If you are a parent, a spouse, or a friend watching someone you love struggle, you know the exact flavor of heartbreak this phrase carries. You can research the best therapists in Chicago, clear your schedule to drive them to appointments, and create the perfect, supportive environment at home. You can bring them right to the edge of “the water”.

But the actual shift, the decision to open up, sit with the discomfort, and try a new way of being belongs entirely to them.

As psychotherapists, we sit at this water’s edge every day. And if there is one fundamental truth about therapy, it’s this: forcing change doesn’t work. Here is why that reality is both the most frustrating and the most liberating part of the therapeutic journey.

The Myth of the “Fixed” Client

People often enter psychotherapy with a hidden expectation that the therapist is going to fix them or fix their partner or fix their teenager. There is a hope that if we just apply the right clinical tool, the “drinking” will happen automatically.

But true psychological growth isn’t a mechanical repair; it is a collaborative process.

If a client is pushed into therapy by an ultimatum, whether from a partner, a court, or an anxious parent, they often arrive with their guard completely up. They might attend every session and nod along, but internally, they are resisting the process. It means they are “going through the motions” of therapy but not actually doing the therapeutic work.

Demanding someone go to therapy may get them through the front door, but internal motivation, the quiet, often terrifying realization that I want something to be different for myself, is what actually transforms a life.

Why the “Horse” Refuses to Drink

When someone we love refuses to take the steps to heal, it’s easy to label them as stubborn, lazy, or resistant. But from a therapeutic perspective, resistance is rarely just stubbornness. It is usually a defense mechanism.

Before someone can look at themselves honestly, they have to reckon with a few things:

• The Familiarity of the Pain: Even if a current coping mechanism (like avoidance, anger, or substance use) is destructive, it is familiar. Stepping away from it means stepping into the unknown, which can feel much scarier than staying miserable.
• The Fear of Failure: What if they try to change, put in all the effort, and it still doesn’t work? Maintaining the status quo, even if it is self-defeating, keeps the illusion of control alive.
• The Weight of Vulnerability: Admitting you need help requires dropping the armor. For many, that feels vulnerable and is often interpreted as a threat to their safety.

What to Do When You’re the One Leading the Horse

If you are currently exhausted from trying to pull someone else toward healing, it is time to gently hand that heavy rope back. You cannot carry the weight of another person’s growth.

Instead, focus on what you can control:

1. Protect the Oasis: You can keep the water clean, accessible, and safe. This means offering steady, non-judgmental love, setting healthy boundaries, and modeling your own mental health work.
2. Stop Pushing: Pushing often creates a counter-pressure. When you stop pushing, the other person is finally forced to feel the weight of their own suffering, rather than just reacting to your pressure.
3. Take Care of Yourself: Sometimes, the person who needs therapy most is the one who has spent years trying to save everyone else.

Finding the Water

If you are reading this and realizing that you are the one who is refusing to drink even though you are struggling, know this: nobody is going to force you.

Therapy isn’t about forcing change; it’s about creating a safe space where change becomes possible. Whether you’re considering therapy for yourself or you’re supporting someone you love, you don’t have to navigate the journey alone.

At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, our psychodynamic therapists meet clients where they are, helping them explore anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, trauma, and the unconscious patterns that keep them feeling stuck. We believe meaningful change happens through trust, curiosity, and genuine connection—not pressure.