• INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY
• MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS

Overcoming the “Tyranny of the Shoulds”: Finding Freedom from Constant Self- Criticism

• Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group

• July 13, 2026

How many times a day do you find yourself thinking things like this?

• “I should be further along in my career by now.”
• “I should always be patient and positive with my family.”
• “I should be eating healthier and working out more.”

On the surface, these thoughts feel like harmless self-motivation. We tell ourselves we are just trying to motivate ourselves to be better people. But if you slow down and notice how those thoughts actually feel, they rarely inspire us. Instead, they leave us feeling exhausted, inadequate, and fundamentally flawed.

There is a perfect name for this internal phenomenon, coined by Karen Horney: “the tyranny of the shoulds”.

What is the “Tyranny of the Shoulds”?

When we feel disconnected from who we truly are, our authentic self, our minds try to fix the discomfort by creating an idealized self. This is an imaginary, perfect version of who we believe we must be to be worthy of love, safety, and respect.

The “shoulds” are the rigid, impossible laws dictating how that idealized version of you must behave, think, and feel.

The word “tyranny” fits perfectly here. A tyrant doesn’t care about your energy levels, your human limitations, your emotional history, or your context. A tyrant simply demands compliance. When we fail to meet these impossible standards, we experience severe inner penalties: intense guilt, anxiety, and a feeling of deep unworthiness.

The Cost of Living by “Should”

Living under this internal dictatorship fractures our mental well-being in a few distinct ways:

• Chronic Anxiety: Because the idealized self is perfect, its standards are impossible to maintain. You are trapped in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, waiting for the moment you inevitably fall short.
• Alienation from Your True Needs: When you are hyper-focused on what you should want, you lose touch with what you actually want or need. You might force yourself to attend a social event because you “should be more social,” ignoring the fact that your body is crying out for rest.
• Procrastination & Paralysis: When a task is weighed down by a heavy “should,” the pressure to do it perfectly becomes overwhelming. Ironically, the brain often responds by avoiding the task altogether to protect itself from the pain of failing.

How to Dethrone the Tyrant

Moving away from the “tyranny of the shoulds” does not mean abandoning your goals or lacking direction. It means shifting from a mindset of coercion to a mindset of authentic choice.

Here is how you can begin changing your relationship with these internal demands:

1. Notice the Vocabulary

You cannot change a pattern you don’t see. Start tracking how often “should,” “must,” and “ought to” show up in your internal monologue. Simply noticing them without judgment, thinking, “Ah, there’s a ‘should’ right there” begins to loosen their grip.

2. Swap “Should” for “Could” or “Want to”

Language shapes our psychological reality. Try translating your shoulds into expressions of
agency.

• Change “I should go to the gym” to “I could go to the gym, or I could take a rest day.”
• Change “I should finish this work tonight” to “I want to finish this work tonight so my morning is less stressful.”

This small shift instantly moves you from being a passive victim of a rule to an active author of your day.

3. Interview the Rule

When a heavy “should” lands on your shoulders, gently question its authority. Ask yourself:

• Whose voice is this? (Is it mine, a parent’s, or society’s?)
• What is the penalty if I break this rule? Is that penalty realistic?
• Is this standard actually achievable for a human being?

“Forget about the should-be’s. Accept the what-is.”

Ready to Quiet Your Inner Critic?

You don’t have to spend your life trying to live up to impossible standards. If your inner dialogue is filled with guilt, perfectionism, or constant self-criticism, therapy can help you understand where those patterns began—and how to replace them with healthier, more compassionate ways of relating to yourself.

At Lakeshore Psychotherapy Group, our psychodynamic therapists help clients uncover the unconscious beliefs that drive anxiety, perfectionism, and chronic feelings of inadequacy. Together, we’ll work to help you reconnect with your authentic self rather than the impossible version you feel you “should” be.